domingo, 12 de abril de 2009

DICCIONARIO PARA ENTENDER A LAS MUJERES

Por: ALEJANDRA AZCÁRATE
Como el español que hablamos los hombres no tiene nada que ver con el de las mujeres, SoHo le pidió a Alejandra Azcárate que armara un diccionario básico femenino.

Amigas
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Demonio del alma que no desaparece ni por medio de un exorcismo. Sensación imaginaria inevitable. Impulso fundamental para montar guiones de gran calidad y ganarse un premio Óscar.

Chisme

Poder imaginario que nos permite verles los defectos a los demás, solucionar problemas que no son nuestros e inventar los finales de las historias ajenas. Vía a través de la cual recibimos y transmitimos información que nos hace sentir importantes por conocer lo que no nos importa.

Cirugía plástica
Garantía para vencer la ley de gravedad. Descubrimiento científico que amamos y negamos. Procedimiento arriesgado, costoso y doloroso que nos aumenta la autoestima, las curvas y la libido.

Dieta
Actividad que se inicia solo los lunes y raramente se ejerce los fines de semana. Manera sencilla de amargarse las vacaciones. Sacrificio obligatorio para no dormir solas.

Infidelidad
Traición estratégicamente pensada y procesada. difícil de olvidar, complicada de ocultar, imposible de evitar.

Lágrima
Gota de sentimentalismo que vierte el ojo una vez al mes. Los demás días, arma de convencimiento y manipulación.

Maquillaje

Vía rápida para descubrir el otro yo atrayendo de noche y espantando de día.

Maternidad

Milagro de la vida que deteriora el cuerpo, aumenta la sensibilidad, ahuyenta al hombre y quita el sueño para siempre.

Matrimonio

Prerrequisito para colgar un vestido de por vida, aprender a cocinar, dividir el clóset, compartir el baño, desarrollar el arte de creer mentiras y conformarse con la monotonía sexual, todo a cambio de una felicidad pasajera. Fenómeno social que multiplica los defectos, suma las deudas, resta la libertad y divide con la identidad.

Orgasmo

Viaje a las estrellas conducido por un cohete humano. Segundos de explosión inesperada que activa los sentidos y, al momento del "aterrizaje", produce una inmensa gratitud.

Salón de belleza

Local comercial donde las vidas ajenas son cortadas por las tijeras de las clientas. Único lugar donde el paso del tiempo pierde importancia y se entra sin ser invitado a gastarse lo que no se tiene.

Separación

Efectivo sistema para abolir el fútbol, recuperar el control del televisor y evitar las haladas de cobija. Doloroso pero satisfactorio regreso a la libertad.

Soledad
Estado que a veces anhelamos, pocas veces manejamos y casi nunca soportamos. Impulso primario por el cual abandonamos al que nos conviene para involucrarnos con el que nos abandona.

Teléfono

Cordón umbilical adherido a la oreja. Medio de comunicación para matar el ocio y quedar en bancarrota.

Trago
Bebida desdoblante que bloquea el cerebro, acelera las emociones, amplía la mente, desabrocha la imaginación y relaja las extremidades inferiores.

Zapatos

Accesorios que marcan la personalidad, determinan el nivel de gusto y el estrato social, y, además, evidencian el poder adquisitivo de quien los usa. En sentido figurado, es lo que se les da a los hombres por la cabeza para que funcionen en una relación.

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